5:25 a.m., from (a loo in) Mar-a-Lago: "It wasn't the White House, it wasn't the State Department, it wasn't father LaVar's so-called people on the ground in China that got his son out of a long term prison sentence - IT WAS ME. Too bad! LaVar is just a poor man's version of Don King, but without the hair. Just think.." ...

at 5:33 a.m.: (still in the loo)"...LaVar, you could have spent the next 5 to 10 years during Thanksgiving with your son in China, but no NBA contract to support you. But remember LaVar, shoplifting is NOT a little thing. It's a really big deal, especially in China. Ungrateful fool!" ...

... at 5:48 a.m. (back in the loo, blame the string bean casserole) : "The NFL is now thinking about a new idea - keeping teams in the Locker Room during the National Anthem next season. That's almost as bad as kneeling! When will the highly paid Commissioner finally get tough and smart? This issue is killing your league!....."

(A pause while the staff looks for more toilet paper).